The Night They Drank Old Dixie Down
by incandescens
Summary: Shunsui and Rangiku, drinking their way round the Gotei Thirteen.


**THE NIGHT THEY DRANK OLD DIXIE DOWN**

"I think it's a perfectly reasonable idea," Yamamoto muttered to his vice-captain. (He never could remember what the man's name was.) "Good for morale. Friendly competition. As long as I don't have to hear about it officially, no problem. When did you say they were coming through here?"

"Been and gone, sir."

"Better and better. They didn't even disturb me." He stretched. "Fetch me a jug from my private stock, would you?"

"Um." The vice-captain edged away. "I'm afraid that's also been and gone, sir. So to speak. It seems that Captain Kyouraku knew where the key was . . ."

"What? **Reduce all creation to dust and ashes!**"

* * *

**Secret Ninja Report:** 17.15 : Targets sighted approaching Division. Target One attempting to remember full version of **For Tonight We'll Merry Merry Be**. Target Two singing harmony.

**Secret Ninja Report:** 17.17 : Targets arrived via flash step methodology. Invited me to come out and have a drink. I informed them that I did not drink.

**Secret Ninja Report:** 17.19 : In interests of maintaining physical integrity of Division and confidence of ninja henchmen, agreed to go out and have a drink. Intend to use secret ninja method to dispose surreptitiously of alcohol while maintaining sobriety. Hah.

**Sekrit ninjing report:** we are all going to go and ninj at someone but i havnt decided who yet ha ha

**Secret Ninja Report:** 08:00 : I have discovered a new torture to inflict upon Shihouin Yoruichi. But I will be merciful. If she begs very pitifully indeed, I will allow her an aspirin. In the meantime, all Second Division activities are cancelled within two miles of my office and if anyone makes any noise whatsoever I will skin them alive.

* * *

In keeping with my mentor Aizen Sousuke, I have decided to keep a diary. When we have seized ultimate power, it will be -

- what is that noise outside?

Diary can wait till later. Matsumoto's luscious drunken bosom is mine!

_Er, Ichimaru-taichou, you instructed me to leave a note for you concerning events while you were out. Someone who was definitely not you, and I am prepared to swear to that if necessary, has drunk most of your private brandy stock, carved a portrait of **The Prettiest Tits In Seireitai** (I know this because you put a title and signed it) on your office wall, told Kyouraku-taichou that you would spare him as your personal slave when you took over, and finished up by making ardent love to me all over your desk. I'm so sorry about the ink._

_The lipstick belongs to Matsumoto-fukutaichou, by the way, and she says she wants it back._

_- Kira Izuru_

* * *

**4th Division Record** by 3rd Seat Iemura Yasochika

(score). . . and when we heard the noise outside, Unohana-taichou blinked and then smiled a little and suggested that Kotetsu-fukutaichou go outside and find out what was happening. Kotetsu-fukutaichou looked a little disturbed, but agreed. Noises followed which I can only describe as Isinister/I and Idubious/I. Kotetsu-fukutaichou then came storming back in, showing significantly more cleavage than usual, cheeks flushed and eyes burning, and walked across to Unohana-taichou's chair before grabbing Unohana-taichou in her arms and pulling her to her in a long and extremely steamy kiss and saying that she had never before had the courage to declare her love but now she would no longer be denied . . .(score)

Absolutely nothing of any interest whatsoever happened tonight.

* * *

**Personal Diary of Hinamori Momo:**

Every day I am more and more impressed by Aizen-taichou. When Kyouraku-taichou and Matsumoto came round yesterday, he matched them drink for drink and today he isn't even _remotely_ hung over. I was there too, but Aizen-taichou had me fetching the snacks and the fresh jugs, so I didn't really get much of a chance to drink anything myself.

But I was watching him all the time, and he didn't even try to pour the spare wine into the flower-vases the way some people do, but just swigged it down again and again.

He's _so_ marvellous.

PS - though Kyouraku-taichou does kiss very impressively. Mustn't tell Toushirou-kun that.

* * *

**Report of Abarai Renji**

Please, Captain, _please_ send me on hazardous duty missions like this more often. It is my duty and honour to serve you in this way.

Also, any reports coming in concerning someone singing outside your window are totally false and should be ignored. Especially if they claim it was three-part harmony.

Will be in Fourth Division if you want me. Have slight headache problem this morning probably caused by studying too many reports while working late last night.

* * *

**Statement of Iba Tetsuzaemon**

It's all the fault of whoever brought "twisty straws" to Soul Society.

Had someone not brought "twisty straws" here, my Captain would not have been able to engage in a marathon drinking session with Kyouraku-taichou through the slats of his mask.

Had he not engaged in a marathon drinking session, he would not have started seeing centipedes.

Had he not started seeing centipedes, he would not have activated bankai to dispose of them.

Had he not activated bankai to dispose of them, the rest of us would not have had to leap onto him and wrestle him to the ground.

Had we not all leapt on him, I would not now be lying in bed with various broken bones dictating this report.

So, in conclusion: it's all the fault of the goddamned twisty straws. Can I have a drink now?

* * *

**Last Statement of Ise Nanao**

I'm writing this while I listen to _them_ outside. Oh yes, I knew they'd be coming. I tried to prepare myself. I locked the doors and barricaded the windows. I put up notes saying that I'd gone somewhere else. Anywhere else.

I can hear their fingers scratching against the wood, their alcoholic giggling, their hiccups, their seductive cries to come out and have a drink.

It's darker outside. I'm trapped here alone, with nobody to help me, with _them_ out there . . .

. . . oh dear gods, no, the banging's getting louder. They're going to break the door down. They've started singing the **Green Bottles** song.

They've got in. They're leering at me, with flashing eyes and bare chests. They're waving bottles of wine at me. They're dragging me away from the deskkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk . . .

* * *

**Diary of Tousen Kaname**

Since Hisagi displayed an unusual timidity (not to say hiding under his desk, whimpering about "last time" and "the tattoos") in not wanting to go outside, I did so myself. I am aware that Kyouraku-taichou is far too liberal in his drinking, but am confident that the way of righteousness and justice can bypass such hindrances as a hefty mound of wine-bottles. Surely enlightened argument would show him the error of his ways and help him cut down on the alcohol.

Or so I thought.

It seems alcohol not only rots the brain and liver, it causes temporary deafness, as Kyouraku-taichou _totally_ failed to listen to my tragic yet improving story of a friend who died due to boozing. (Even if Matsumoto-fukutaichou was in tears and wiping her eyes on his sleeve.) He did, however, agree to keep on listening to my moral homilies while we shared a few drinks.

How did it all go so appallingly wrong? Where did he learn about this game called "strip poker"? And what happened to my favourite scarf?

* * *

**Tenth Division Report** (completed by Matsumoto Rangiku due to temporary incapacity of Captain)

. . . At this point the Captain displayed an astonishingly high level of ability, managing to produce ice cubes for our cocktails without a full-scale manifestation of Hyourinmaru. Kyouraku-taichou continued his _educational_ and _intellectual_ discourse about the history of alcohol and ways of drinking it, demonstrating how one makes a Long Island Tea, a Streetcar, a Sex on the Beach, and a Screaming Orgasm.

(Hitsugaya-taichou passed out at the Screaming Orgasm with the cutest blush on his cheeks. I tucked him up in bed and will get Momo to come round tomorrow with some hangover remedy.)

Not wishing to desert Kyouraku-taichou so close to the end of our _Goodwill Visit_ around the Divisions, I continued on with him . . .

* * *

**Report of Yachiru-fukutaichou**

I report that everyone was Big Meanies last night and had a party but wouldn't let me in, so I went out and killed some Hollows myself.

Because Ken-chan says that everyone should do their reports, I am doing his as well. He had a Big Party with Kyouraku-taichou and Rangiku-fukutaichou and everyone else and there was lots of booze but nobody would let me have any because Ken-chan said I was too young. Ken-chan is really unfair sometimes.

I drew lots of pictures on everyone while they were asleep afterwards because this is what Nemu-fukutaichou says is Aversive Therapy and will be good for them if they try to drink things again.

Please will you tell Ken-chan to let me have some booze next time?

* * *

**Complaint On Conduct Of Kyouraku Shunsui**

What fool, what moron, what utter thug goes wandering through the Divisions and drinks everything that isn't nailed down? Must we insist on remedial lectures for our more brain-dead Captains? Must I pursue enlightenment by exposing the contents of their skulls to the open air?

While I was attempting _in a perfectly reasonable, not to say logical manner_ to take just _one_ evening's rest and recuperation, to renew my forces for another vigorous day of serving Seireitai and the Gotei 13 with all the strength and the fervor of which I am capable, as I was saying, while I was _peacefully_ reclining in a bottle that I thought was safely and securely guarded by my idiot of a daughter . . .

. . . I was woken with a shock to find Kyouraku Shunsui attempting to _drink_ me, while his blonde harlot of a cohort distracted my daughter in unspeakable ways for which I shall later chastise her.

My only solace in my bitterness is that I gained valuable data on his upper gastrointestinal tract before exiting the premises.

* * *

**Letter from Ukitake Jyushirou to Ise Nanao**

Ise-fukutaichou,

Would you please come by at some point today to collect your Captain? In the interests of Divisional integrity, we deposited him and Matsumoto-fukutaichou in the compound to sleep it off, as their breath was having an unfortunate effect on the paint on the walls inside.

I should tell you that you have nothing to worry about in regards to your Captain's health; he is still capable of drinking his way round all thirteen Divisions, and maintaining a manly and definite attitude throughout. Any pain (not to say agony) that he may experience this morning is merely the after-effect of the various poisons working their way out through his system, and as such should be celebrated as a natural fact of biology rather than repressed. But I am sure that I have no need to tell you that.

May I request that you bring over a new set of cough mixtures for me from Unohana-taichou? Shunsui and Rangiku went through my wine cupboard and through the Division's storage cellar without stopping, but collapsed like babies after trying my private cough mixture selection.

I can't think why.

Ukitake

PS : do not feel obliged to bring any rope to drag him with: I will be glad to provide some.


End file.
